Heartwaves

"WALKS TO REMEMBER" (2011 YEARENDER)

2011-12-31T09:15:00.000-08:00

Walking with our two pooches (Rachel Ann and Gabriel Jacob) makes my day.

Beautiful park with mature trees. Peaceful neighborhood with profuse vegetation. Perfect recipe for productive moments in prayer, thanksgiving, reflections and plain wishful thinking....

I'm thankful for:

1.House construction in the PI that has already started.
2.My two nieces whom I had supported in college have finally graduated.
3.Answered long-standing prayers:
Two of my close relatives have started sharing their blessings with my clan. I felt a burden is lifted off me.
One of my siblings has become more dependable.
4.Reconciliation with a family member after a period of misunderstanding.
5.My husband's job and my job despite economic recession. (Quoting from an unreliable source hehe...“when my neighbors lose their job, it is recession” but “ when I lose my job, it is depression”)
6.Friendship with the Primroses and our get togethers with gourmet foods.
7.Vacation trips to beach resorts, rainforest, and tulip fields to spice up the monotony of life's toils

My Reflections:

On Suffering

Looking back in 2010, I sort of challenged God “ I'm tired being the breadwinner in the family for 4 decades. Please give me another form of suffering instead.” In that same year, I had my toe infection – a major thorn in the flesh. True enough...we have to be careful with what we pray :) It took me a year to figure out this lesson in life. Now, I'm back to embracing my kind of suffering. My portion. Just right for me. Jesus was not spared of suffering. Why should I be exempted?

On the Frailty of the Human Heart:

Due to my priority of financing the college education of my nieces, my parents had been deprived of enjoying the benefits of this earthly life. So I bargained with God, “ Please add more years to their life, it doesn't matter if I'm the one suffering.” One week later... I found myself complaining. “This is meaningless, junk, junk, junk...” This just shows I'm no different from the Israelites.

On Grieving

Our 14 year old pet dog whom we called Lolo or Gandpa (Gabriel Joseph) died. Here in the US, people grieve when this happens because pets are part of the family. It was true with us. We didn't want to forget him, but God allowed us to move on with our new pet dog-Gabriel Jacob, nicknamed Giboy.

On Trusting God

Michael and I had thought of adopting kids when we will finally relocate to the PI. But I had fears. Difficult adjustment during adolescent stage, uncertainty of personalities, predispositions and behavior are among the reasons. But what if many of those unwanted or orphaned kids will become God's workers? Then I said “Lord, I want to partner with you by providing them a loving family. But you know my fears, I'll entrust them to you” About 5 steps after in my walk, I saw a penny glittering in the sun. What is a penny's worth? (1/100) But I'm reminded of a story that a penny's value is not so much on what it can buy, but on its inscription “IN GOD WE TRUST. ” I picked it up as a token of this covenant with God.

About God

I somehow have a time frame for my prayer items. After some period of praying, I wear out and retire to “those things are not meant to be” or I just simply put them at the back burner. And then, out of the blues...God answers them. He is the God of times.

Also, God answered some of my prayers beyond my expectations, beyond an ordinary standard or measurement. He is the God of all measures.

These taught me to never cease praying. I'm reminded of my favorite bible verse“ God makes all things beautiful in His time.”

Back to my walks. Sometimes in the middle of these...Gabriel is about to pick a fight with another dog, and Rachel has been trying to pull me. It looks like these dogs are walking me, instead of me walking my dogs :) Canine mischief in its very nature. Yet I have to accept them as they are (after stopping them)...and keep walking....

YEAR 2010 "TEMPTATIONS AND TRIUMPHS"

2011-01-03T17:32:00.000-08:00

Citizenships

The year started with a big bang! I acquired my U.S. Citizenship in Jan. My bible study ladies (who are all Caucasians) formally welcomed me to their fold as a fellow American citizen by way of a get together. Meaningful. A few months later, I reacquired my Phil. Citizenship. But what a joy to know that nothing beats my citizenship in heaven!

Strengthening of Convictions

God used circumstances so I can have the conviction of leading a life of service to HIM. A major highlight was my toe infection, a thorn in the flesh for 3 months. I said I’d rather be serving God and healthy, rather than have most of my life to myself but is infirm. Yet the evil ones have their ways of tempting me. Another time, I was down due to boredom of my routine job. God rebuked me, “What about El James.” ( El James is a story of a young boy who died of leukemia). Really, how many are with all forms of sufferings, yet have nothing in life? I’d rather be the one donating the money for their health needs.

It had occurred to me that I will make myself useful for God even while I’m still here in the U.S., thus I have my volunteering jobs. For the immediate future (when Michael will hopefully retire in the Philippines 2 years from now), God impressed upon me that I will serve Him full time. And then… Satan is very cunning. He came taunting my inner being, “Where are you now compared to your peers? You don’t have a reason not to have a career because you don’t have kids.” When I realize it was Satan’s voice, I rebuked him, “Get away from me, Satan. God’s purpose in my life is none of your business. You’re just here to ruin me so I would rebel against God.” An in my Cebuano language, I said “Di ko patonto nimo, uy!” (Translation: I won’t allow myself to be fooled by you!) Satan is indeed real to one’s life. He tried to tempt Jesus when He was about to start His earthly ministry. And in his slickness, a few times he tried to tempt me in my dreams. Even before this writing, I had been down (burn out from the rut here in the U.S.). I’m sure he’s doing his tactics to rob me of my joy in Jesus, so I will be rendered useless, and will not be able to do the great task that is yet ahead of me.

Launching into the Deep

God can’t accomplish his purposes through me (for future ministry) if I just wait and see what happens next. Thus, I joined the Bible Study Fellowship. Plus a study on the book of Isaiah is a rarity. And indeed my efforts are not in vain. I have a grasp of God’s attribute of being holy that I learned to appreciate more hymns, and I find some Christian songs blasphemous in nature. God’s words through Isaiah have come to life before me. As if I’m there in every scene in the times past and times yet to come. I imagine myself among the throngs of crowd who’s excited to welcome Jesus’ second coming. What a lovely sight! Lastly, I’m at peace of the reality that anything that happens and are still to happen (even the bad ones), must come to pass. After all, world history is His Story.

God’s Provisions

It all took one step of obedience…then God unfolded opportunities for me to maximize my stay in the U.S. Aside from my volunteering jobs, He led me to Lucy Primrose- an expert in the English language, she being a Speech therapist. I’m learning from her not only on the language itself, but some teaching strategies. Moreover, she together with her husband Don, offer her gift of friendship. We do foursome adventures occasionally.

My Future Ministry Vision

Isaiah 25: 6a“On this mountain the Lord Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wines.”

Isaiah 25:8 “The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces, he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth.”

My thoughts. How many are hungry and how many are with all kinds of sufferings right now, and would just die this way? What can I do before this glorious event happens?

It dawned on me that by helping alleviate the living conditions among the Filipino poor,it would make them self-sufficient in providing for their most basic needs. I desire to be one of those who bridge the gap along this concern. I want to have supplemental feeding for kids and to facilitate scholarship assistance to poor and deserving students. I believe these are two good ways for the Filipino poor to feel God’s love, as they must have heard the gospel a number of times. I can still do other things alongside like tutoring, mentoring and leading Bible studies, and even part-time teaching.

Prayer Concerns:

I wished that God could just have me get rich here in America or have me win a lottery ticket so that my vision can be smoothly implemented. But God rebuked me, “You miss the point. You are putting me in a box. ” I realize God would like me to share my vision with fellow believers so it would become a community effort.

So please pray:

1. For a group of believers here in the U.S. who will share with my burden/vision, and for a sending team.
2. Courage on my part to take steps as to how God would lead me. This is an enormous task, requiring big amount of money, and I haven’t been into fund raising before. But again, I have to remind myself that this is not mine; this is God’s, so why be ashamed or be afraid?
3. Titling of the parcel of lot that we bought in the Phil., so my parents can be relocated. Also, I envision that future house to be a vacation place for God’s workers (since it is in Moalboal and close to the beach), a place for prayer gatherings, and may even become a ministry base if God so leads...

Jan. 3, 2011

"AN ENCOUNTER OF A SPECIAL KIND"

2011-01-03T17:29:00.000-08:00

I have an officemate who is gifted in the arts. Attached is a picture of his partial work.

One time, we had a casual talk. We were both interested in facts about world wars. Then a sudden twist-I asked him if he believes there will be an end to these wars. His answer was a big No, as it would take only one nutty person to start the fire. Then I said “Well, Jesus Himself said so, as He’s the only one who can bring peace.” Then I asked further, “Do you believe in Jesus?” It was then he revealed that he’s an agnostic.

He said the reason why he didn’t believe in God at all is because how would he know which one. He said that the story of Joseph Smith having a vision is too much for him to take, and it’s the same feeling he has about the mystery of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection. As for faith in a Supreme Being, his response was “How would I know?” As an agnostic, he said “When I die, I die.” Sort of “why should I care?”

He shared with me all the negative things he observed in all religions, Christianity included. And I feel he has the right to as he’s indeed a good natured man - the type who doesn’t belong to this world, and the type who is harmless. This may be the reason why I was so confident in delving deeper about his faith. (Somehow, I thought he’s a believer.) In fact, he’s more careful in the way he phrased his statements, compared to me who’s more direct in approach. Upon realizing that he will never buy my logic, I started to add the phrase, “Based on my faith, this is it…” in my succeeding points, instead of countering him right away with authoritative statements.

In our open-ended discussion, he finds others’ belief system weird, like those who believe that their pets will go to heaven. He asked me about it. I replied, “Well and good if it is true. But it is immaterial to me and to my faith, what is important is my soul.”

I believe I hit home here! He looked at me with a smile, as if he was trying to figure out the depth of my statement.

In the end, he was so apologetic that he might have offended me as other religious people (according to him) get offended if one doesn’t show some respect to Jesus or whoever their God is. I assured him that we were merely sharing each of our points of view, since we can never change each other’s belief system anyway. He confessed that normally he will just shrug his shoulders off this kind of talk. I thanked him for the indulgence, and I also said my apologies.

Good that when we parted I was not tempted to say our favorite closing statement, "I'll pray for you." It might mean that something is wrong with him and his belief system.

I thanked God for that opportunity. I got to know an agnostic person first hand and probed deep into his psyche. And I realize I should be thankful I did not have the gift of evangelism, or else I would have driven him away. My point is that we should celebrate the gift that God has apportioned for each of us, no matter how less contributory we perceive it to be. After all, it is God who appoints a time and a season for everything.

May 25, 2010

"THORN IN THE FLESH"

2011-01-03T17:28:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, I barely had two hours of sleep. My pain medication was of no effect. It was an excruciating pain, as if my toe bloated non-stop like a balloon filled with gas to its fullest. It’s the most painful physical ailment I had in my life. So many thoughts came to my mind:

1. How about those who are suffering with the worst diseases now?
2. Could the torment of one’s soul in hell be less agonizing than a very painful physical body ailment?
3. Why does man have to suffer all these bodily pains here on earth? Isn’t being dead a blessing? (Not suicidal here, just being real…)

Saturday morning, I went to see a doctor, and since then I had been taking antibiotics. I thought that the pain medication I was taking alongside my antibiotics would not again be effective, and I was kind of setting myself ready for another sleepless night. I was wrong and thanks… I had been having good sleep.
I whiled away my time with other hobbies while coping through the healing process. Basically, I was just lounging around our home. And again...I have the following reflections:

I am in pain, but I can find remedy as I have a health insurance.
Others don’t have.
I am unproductive, but I’m lounging around in a beautiful home.
Others don’t have a house.
I am helpless, but I have somebody who did service to me-
none other than my husband.
Others don’t have someone to take care of them.
I have good foods to eat, comfortable bed to sleep on,
and a job waiting for my return.
Others don’t have the money for basic provision,
and to get good food for sustenance to help them carry on.
The stage I am in now maybe a dark moment
and for others, it may seem to be their end.
However, each of us can still choose how to respond
No matter where we are at the spectrum.

April 13th 2010

" I WEPT FOR MY PEOPLE"

2011-01-03T17:19:00.000-08:00

In one of our Bible study sessions, it came to a point that all of the Caucasian ladies (by the way, I'm the only one who's not…hehehe!) verbalized the meaninglessness of possessions/collecting things. "They are mere clutter," they agreed. I suddenly felt a lump in my throat. Good that my teary eyes were camouflaged with my eyeglasses.
I came home feeling so drained. Is this the power of Satan over me after my bible study? I realized that it is because I suppressed my emotions earlier. And right there and then...I cried.

What was I crying for?

How could there be so much imbalance in the world? Other people have clutters while others have nothing to eat. How about the great disparity between the richest of the rich and the poorest of the poor? Although God allows these to happen so we may experience brotherhood, yet how many may have died in hunger before help could reach their end? Fighting hunger/poverty alleviation is my ministry vision but that would still be in the future. How about the present? Besides, I can only do so much...

Feeling helpless, I wept for my people.

March 23, 2009

YEAR 2009: “A RECAPTURED HEART”

2010-02-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

Traces of Last Year

I had two job interviews before I finally called it “quits.” I had to come to terms with the reality as Rick Warren aptly said, “In life, there will always be two tracks that we have to walk through: one is a path of blessings and joys, and the other is the path of struggles. An area that my family struggle with is about land issues. But, I finally gave up from my “savior of the family” role to entrusting this to God as He is also the God of my family.

Amazing results happen!

I approach the day-today tasks of my job as a “must-pass” for the future to unfold. And what is there better to anticipate than the coming of the One? I am in constant awareness that wherever I am placed of the moment (including work), God intends it “for such a time as this.” This - I learned upon studying the Book of Esther.

I used to think that God brought me to the U.S. so He can bless me financially and use me this way. What a shame...how I had been leading God along this line! Now, I let Him lead every step of the way.

God recaptured my heart. He renewed it to be used for His kingdom while I’m still in a secular job. This leads me to evaluate opportunities as to how I can contribute to the big plan even if it is just a tail end of the puzzle. God gave me numerous volunteer activities- mentoring and teaching assistance in various learner groups.

Lately, I have been given the chance to hang out with a searching soul in the person of my new officemate. We’ve been cooking, eating, talking about life issues and reading the bible together.

Instead of bringing my loads of experiences, I had to almost go back to square one. I consider myself a learner here in the U.S. - immersion in the English language, ministry/outreach involvement, etc. Even improving on my personality, for no matter what, it is personality that matters. It should be for His purpose and glory though.

Earthly and Not-so Earthly Blessings

I should not fail to mention the blessings that God showered upon me. My husband’s job which is a main source of help for me, and my family. The newly-bought lot in the Philippines which is completing the titling process. My trip to San Francisco (thanks to Katya Espina who toured me around). My unplanned trip to the Philippines. The notice I got on Christmas Eve re Oathtaking for my U.S. Citizenship. The gifts of intelligence and the gifts of faith in my clan. One of my nieces professes her Christian faith and has been leading others to Jesus. “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

Great Reminders:
“Lord, you have assigned me my portion & my cup, you have made my lot secure.”- Ps. 16:5

“May our desire to have what God has kept from us not keep us from enjoying what He has given us.” - Heb. 13:5

“Why are you so downcast, O my soul?” Put your hope in God, for I will praise Him, my Savior and my God.”- Ps. 42:5 & Ps. 43:5

YEAR 2008: "A WILD HEART"

2010-02-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

EAR 2008: "A WILD HEART"

Major highlights are my first homecoming and my never-ending job search at the backdrop of a frigid winter season.

Philippine Vacation

Michael and I had our first vacation as a couple to the PI in February. Series of itineraries, sweet reunions, feasting. A real “vacacionista & “turista” in Dumaguete and Bohol. But when Michael went back to the U.S., my vacation lost its luster. It became work-drained me physically, financially & emotionally. I was sort of running here and there in the long traffic jam and humid heat. A reverse culture shock! Good that it didn’t take me too late to realize how thankful I should be that at least I only have to share in the sufferings of my relatives for this time period.

Job Search

Feeling the need to pursue higher goals, I was on for my job search. I had 6 job interviews for varied job positions. The whole process - from research to mailing, and to final interviews just wore me out. Plus the agony of waiting and the emotional perks added insult to injury. My mind is logical enough to consider that I may not be the best match to the demands of the job, but my heart kept on rebelling.

Then…one positive development. The Dean of the Adult Basic Education (ABE) of our community college promised to place me in a part time job position. But the next thing I heard is that the college is faced with a 20% budget cut as a result of the current economic crisis. “There are no sacred cows.” This is one of the moments when you can’t understand God’s way. He seems to answer a prayer in the end- which turns out to be a dead-end.

The whole gamut of my job search kept my heart behaving wild. One day, I feel very grateful for having a blessed life with what I have and the worlds I’ve crossed. A week after, I find myself rebelling with all the “whys.”

On the positive side, this helped me transcend during this very frigid winter – a record low. That this has to take its course in order for the next season to unfold with much anticipation of the best it may bring. And during my “sober” moments, I wrote “Lessons from the Penguins,” “The Good Thing About Winter,” and “Life’s Paradox: Rich vs. Poor.”

God’s Humor

My family had been looking for a piece of land so my parents may be relocated. They had always been in too much hassle about land ownership in the Phil. In March, my brother called me that the only available lot for sale is located at the back of the cemetery. Indeed, big right of way and extremely peaceful environment! These are the 2 big determining factors we were looking for in a lot. God seems to answer our prayers in His own way with humor 

Year’s Lessons:

1. My struggle in my current job and my open-ended job search is my share of life’s sufferings.
2. When I find myself confused of God’s leading (He seems to open a door and then closes it), I have to entrust the meaning of my days to God.

LIFE'S PARADOX: RICH vs. POOR

2010-02-07T21:30:00.000-08:00

The rich people will go to the gym
So they can climb up heights and then descend
With the use of gadgets and equipment
While the poor people make it a way of living
Going up and down on a mountainous terrain.

Huge amount of money, the rich will spend
To explore numerous forms of entertainment
Kayaking, fishing, hunting, name them
While the poor people get all these for free
While earning a living, they get these for enjoyment.

The rich will get the best health care plan that there is
To be free from all forms of illnesses
While the poor get exposed to all virus and germs
In a way boosting their immune system.

The rich can give in to their cravings
So all the fancy foods they eat
To suit their ever-changing palate
While the poor has all the appetite
For foods from simple ways of cooking
Basic ingredients, healthy living.

The rich people will avail of
All life-nurturing and extending schemes
Notwithstanding the side effects
Promoting some complicated diseases
While the poor just die a natural death.

The rich have so much to think
Investment portfolio, unstable stock market
Occasionally sending them to a state of panic
While the poor’s concern is so basic
How to survive the next moment.

The rich people have mansions and vacation houses
Buy the best beds so they can sleep
While the poor people have nothing …but the sky and earth
Exhausted of the day’s toil, they get a better night’s rest.

(These are 2 extremes, I’m not advocating one or the other. Let’s live life to the fullest without compartmentalizing the essence of our existence…while thanking God and sharing His blessings to others. Or everything will just be a “chasing in the wind.”)

Lani Gador-Johnson
December 21, 2008

THE GOOD THING ABOUT WINTER

2010-02-07T21:09:00.000-08:00

The good thing about winter
Is that I can wear
My cashmere sweaters in different colors
Scarves, gloves and hats to match my attire
Wool and fiber-filled coats to protect me from the cold wind
Thick boots to keep me walking safe in the icy lane.

The good thing about winter is that I can
Hop in my heated car so I can go around town
Prepare good foods to keep my family sustained
In a loving home, I can have myself rested
And when the day is over, I can tuck myself in our warm bed.

The good thing about winter is that
It looks magical as wonderland
Darkness may prevail, bone-chilling coldness may seep in
But just as the rising and setting of the sun is certain
So is its passing will be as swift as the herald of spring!

(Written on Dec. 20, 2008 as I was trying to console myself during this very frigid record low winter. A parallel in our lives: We just have to see the silver lining behind the clouds whatever may be our circumstances. That there are always things we can thank God for. Again… easier said than done!)

LESSONS FROM THE PENGUINS

2010-02-07T20:56:00.000-08:00

(This is what I have inferred after watching March of the Penguins and Of Penguins and Men)

1. They know tough times are coming.
2. They brace for the tough times.
3. They survived even without stock of provision (food & shelter) during the harshest of weather conditions.
4. They choose to preserve their species – that is to take care of their offspring despite difficulties.
5. They survived and moved on.
6. They look forward to the unfolding of the next season.
7. They accepted this whole trend/pattern as the essence of their existence.
8. Above all, they live & love, no matter what.

YEAR 2007 : " A YEAR OF IRONIES"

2010-02-07T20:42:00.000-08:00

YEAR 2007 : " A YEAR OF IRONIES"

January

It never dawned on me that I would become a computer fanatic, yet I learned to adapt to this technology. I was mentored by a genius! Justin (my former officemate) had to teach me computer functions needed of the tasks that I had to assume before he had to leave for another job.

July

I feared that my Buick Park Avenue car (mini-limousine size) might cause me to fail in the actual driving test. Yet, I was only Take One! I hit it right from the very start; my parallel parking was perfect. My car cooperated, as if it didn’t want to be traded in. God sent me angels (like Jenet and Dee) to help me fare better in the driving test.

September

Michael is the native-born American, yet I had gone to places where Michael has never been to. He is the executive yet I was the one gallivanting around. Multnomah Falls in Oregon; Space Needle in Seattle; Universal Studio, Disney World and Seaworld in Orlando, Florida were amazing treats. NASA is also a showcase of the peak of man’s achievements.

God is ever- ready of His surprises.

Michael and I had a week-long vacation at an isolated Beach Haven Resort in Orcas Island. As in no phones, no TV – just the sounds of waves rushing to the shore, chirping of birds, whisper of the wind, etc. Plus the occasional peek of seal on the surface of the sea. The first time Michael and I were able to cross islands paddling our own boats. We made it! Bugsay… Pinoy ‘to 

Cristy Pamaran ( a Campus Crusade staff) and I had a week-long bonding when she visited our place. We went to places, forged new memories, and deepened our friendship.

But this year’s best surprise was my green card (permanent resident) right on Christmas Eve!!!

The Year 2006: Life Begins at 40

2006-12-31T20:23:00.000-08:00

The Year 2006: Life Begins at 40

First Experience...

This is my first experience of depression ever, because of my being jobless. So many factors why I found it difficult to find a job: my being new to the culture and environment, my accent (WA State is particular of accents), most job vacancies need bilinguals in Spanish. I didn't even qualify as a caregiver- I panicked taking care of those big elderly people, sometimes three times my weight. I felt like I can't find my place in America. I felt worthless.

A new era...

Early part of the year, I had the chance to visit my cousin, Marle, who is already established in San Diego, CA. What a good kick-off for 2006! We only saw each other when I was still in high school and now we're reunited as a family (with her beloved John) here in the U.S.

Finally, I was accepted as a Sales Asst. in a local Spanish language TV Station. Habla Español!. Though, I'm a no-work no pay employee, I consider this a good start. Being involved in sales is the least job I would take, but I'm in it. It just added to my being a "jack-of-all trades." I learned making sales contacts, data entry, recording satellite feeds and editing commercials and shows with the use of computers. There is indeed so much to learn out there in the world of work.

Getting Attuned with Life in America....

I begin to admire the different type of beauty that winter season offers. One time, I was admiring the snowfall from our bay window while I was listening to the music of Kenny G. Perfectly captured! Music and the sight of snowfall. "The Moment." I was tempted to go out with Gabriel- our pet dog, and walked through the winter wonderland...at a temperature below freezing!

Still A Filipino at Heart...

I'm already a good Pinoy cook :) I can cook lumpia, pancit, kaldereta, afritada, humba, lechon manok, embutido, adobo. Michael not only enjoys the foods I cook but promotes them as well. I eventually became a resource person for my neighbor who wanted to cook pancit! I consider this my way of promoting the Phil.

I miss all the novelties that are "Only in the Philippines." Foods- Cebu mango, kalderetang kanding, lechon baboy, dinuguan and all those foods where Americans can't imagine us eating. Also, all those varieties of fishes and shells mentioned in Yoyoy Villame's songs :) The shoreline and the sight of the mountains meeting the sea. The festive noise during celebrations, the karaoke singing and back-up dancing...

God's Blessings...

I never imagined studying piano lessons here in America-for free! Hoping that the "Mozart" in me will shine (he,he!). Likewise, I have two angels disguised as my chauffeurs - my neighbors who volunteer to take me to work every morning, so I don't have to hire a taxi during the winter season.

A Christmas surprise! My foreign credentials were all accredited. I am a Bachelor of Science in Educ. -Chemistry, Master of Arts in Public Administration and Master of Arts in Teaching-English, here in America! I'm overwhelmed! I wish I had the solid experience to back me up. I do hope that my volunteering for Project Literacy will set my foot in the right direction. So grateful for Ate Elvie who obtained my school credentials.

As always, my husband is the ultimate blessing. Michael and I saw each other's imperfections through love and commitment and in the process, we made each other as better persons. I thank God for his recovery from his back surgery in July and the wonderful support from our neighbors, friends and his work colleagues.

Well, this was how my life turned at 40...

Vacation 2006

2006-09-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

(Michael, Gabriel -our pet, and I just came from vacation at Lincoln City, Oregon from Sept. 1-4. The owners of Overlook Lodge-The Vincents, invited occupants of the room to scribble some notes in their journal, resulting to a compilation of life's excerpts of different sojourners since 1994. Below, is the gist of my own excerpt )

When I came in to our studio room at Overlook Lodge last Friday, I told myself, "Okay, this is our room." Nothing fancy, just a plain room. Yet, it is in this "ordinary-ness" that we feel a touch of home...embracing nature, face to face with ourselves and the Creator of all.

Coming from the Philippines with 7,100 islands or so (depending whether it is high tide or low tide, he,he,he!), facing the shoreline is almost an everyday treat. But one morning, while I was at the cute view deck, before me was the mighty Pacific Ocean!

More than a year ago, I was literally at the opposite end of this side of the globe. Now, I am sharing one life with my husband(Michael) whom I love and who pledge to love me forever no matter what. And beside us is the Pacific.

What a mighty God we have, who makes the unimaginable things possible.

I thanked all readers of the journal and thank you for reading this as well. My desire is that, in the beauty of creation...in the miracle of our lives - may we always see the heart of God, the author of beauty and all that is good.

I congratulated the Vincents for this great idea. All unique beautiful life stories come in one handy package.

Indeed, we had a restful vacation after Michael's back surgery episode since June. Just being lazy, going to places , experimenting cuisines in the area, observing the changing weather pattern of the Pacific Coast. A pure celebration. For after this, back to the reality of work.

We certainly felt at home there. Even Gabriel says so :)

(P.S. I included inviting all readers in that journal to visit the Philippines)

My Furry Angel

2006-05-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

His name is Gabriel, an 8-year old Mini-Snauzer. I didn't find him appealing the first time I saw him because of his gray color and fur covering his eyes. I'm not used to his breed. Just not my idea of a cute pet.

After my arrival in the family, Gabriel automatically became my companion as I am mostly staying home. He is always with me when I do gardening and go for a walk. The sociable that he is, I was not alone in my first enjoyment of the unfolding of each season in America. We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun...

Soon, he became my confidante. He is always there in every wave of my emotions. He listens, adjusts with my mood and follow what's the next action, also for the next treat ! He can even sometimes bridge when Michael and I have a misunderstanding. He is our meeting point. He knows how to deal with each of us (Michael and I) considering our idiosyncracies.

He is certainly intelligent, fun and playful. But definitely, he is not the angelic type as he has his share of foolishness. Sometimes, he moves and acts like Stitch (from Lilo and Stitch). He gobbles his food that Michael calls him a "Pinoy" breed :) It is funny how he can act foolishly ( always begs for treats, eats grasses that makes him sick, searches for chocolates in my bag) and how he cowers when scolded. It amuses me at how he feels guilty that he hides from us if he's done something wrong. Even with his canine mentality, he knows between right and wrong! Yet he does it anyway.

He is like an 8-year old son. He is real cute. That's why I call him Gabby Boy and Biboy (sounds Pinoy) for short. He is actually handsome among his breed.

Yes, he is a dog. But he evolves to become bigger than what his instinct would dictate. To being a friend, a buddy... an angel - just clothed in fur.

2003 verses when I experienced tribulations

2006-02-20T13:20:00.000-08:00

deeply-anchored

raging storms advance my course
whirling 'round my route
shaking me to fear
mapping me out
of this beautiful earth...

the horizons dimmed out
i was left in shimering cold
wandering where to head on
to save my soul
from these turbulent seas...

i struggled as i paddled
the waves were insurmountable
the distant shore was out of sight
and in exasperation
only then i turned to God...

defenseless as i am,
i asked, " God, what will i do?"
"Be still, my child, " He assured.
"You are deeply anchored in my heart"

Once a moonlit night...

i gazed upon the limitless sky
perched like aperfect canvas
enticing my sense of imagination.

i journeyed thru the endless horizon
the leaves swaying with the gentle breeze
inviting me to dance in perfect grace.

i walked along a path
leading to a silvery silhoutte
beckoning me to embrace.

once a childhood...
carefree, young, full of hope,
a threshold of serenity,
a tapestry of dreams.

Year 2005: A Cycle of Sowing, Waiting, Harvest

2006-01-16T11:08:00.000-08:00

Early on this year, I got the news that I can't get the job promotion I had been hoping for. I was sad but at the same time consoled because it would mean the realization of my ultimate bargain with God - to be reunited with Michael in America.

Indeed, time came when I became the center of attention ( I felt awkward bec. I'm not used to it) during our betrothal and our wedding ceremonies. I never considered myself a beauty queen but I had to feel like one...for the sake of art :-)

Departing from the Philippines - family, friends, familiar places, comfort zone, was just like closing one door of my sojourn and coming to my real home. (For those who had been traveling this married life, you can relate better.) Staying at home alone, while Michael was working, was a much-needed vacation. My new role as a plain housewife was a welcome change as well. Cooking, learning new recipes, laundry, cleaning, gardening (oh, how I enjoy this !), learning a new hobby-fishing (so, challenging!) and the simple pleasures of serving the one I love. Seeing a different kind of environment with a beauty of its own, was also another treat. Such panoramic views as the North Cascades, Mt. Rainier and the different species of flowers, are all refreshing to the eyes and one's soul.

Likewise, this is our period of adjustment (wrestling, I call it, he,he,he) in our marriage life as all normal couples undergo. Personality clashes, asserting one's rights, yet love is the great equalizer. Struggles and strides. At the end of an episode, I would say, " This is the man I love and God gave me to love me." Insecurities. Mirroring. Paradox. An avenue of my heart to tap its full potential in its capacity to love. An amazing discovery !

Seasons passed -spring and summer. As autumn dawned in, it was time to move on for greater challenges and goals.

So, I asked God, " Lord, please give me a job which would allow me to encourage people."
God answered, " Yes, you do. You are already having it." (Yes, I have an elderly friend and 2 Chinese ladies, also married to Americans-who all need my quality and quantity time.)

But I bargained and made things clear, "Lord, a job which I will receive salary."
The Lord opened my eyes and heart, " Didn't you realize that what I can give you is more than what money can buy and what your salary can afford? I can give good health and a fulfilled life.
Just wait for my time and you will see wonders."

There was a period that my heart was rested with God. And indeed, God revealed one surprise. He used my cousin as a channel of blessing for a free trip to San Diego, CA. He really honors our heart's desire- even a mere whim, as long as we learn to obey Him every step of the way. I thought previously that it would be better if I can travel to another state before I get tied up with work. And here is the chance. God is good ! But I also had my bouts of depressive moments - the insecurities and uncertainties in my job search, robbed my joy and excitement of my upcoming trip. My wicked heart has been exposed. I wanted the best of all worlds! How oblivious had I been of the benefit and good lesson of waiting. I waited for 15 years before Michael's and my path could cross together.

This year is a mark of "first." First travel abroad. First celebration of birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year with the one I love. Always a hopeless romantic's dream :) And finally, first job as an interpreter. Naka-ending pa gyod! Even if it was just temporary, I like it because it is both "academic" and humanitarian. A beneficial reference.

The year depicted the whole picture of the cycle of sowing... and its hopes, waiting... and its agonies, reaping.... and its joys - all these leading to new discoveries and added wisdom.

Henri Nouwen aptly puts it : " If life is subject to our control, then it becomes predictable. Yet, if life is so much greater than we can understand, then it becomes open to the reality of mystery. This may at times frustrate us, but it also makes us open to wonderment, prayer and the pursuit of further understanding"